Patience, seeds takes time to sprout.

the fact that i can drive comfortably is proof that the subconscious can handle increasing complexity

according to shinzen, concentration, clarity, and equanimity can also be second nature
"the habits of mindfulness eventually meditate you" dissolving the sense of a meditator

from pranab

• 5 Meo DMT
• 'parasocial attachment system'
• investigate doubt as a feeling
• freedom from vs freedom to

Clancy Martin looks fascinating:
https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/02/12/ordinary-human-love-an-interview-with-clancy-martin/

• "In Freudian terms, it’s as though we all desperately wish to climb back into the womb"
• "Stendhal helpfully distinguished between a first and second crystallization. He got the idea from the salt mines at Salzburg. Love is like the salt crystals that form on a twig that falls into the mines—the twig is transformed! That’s the activity of your imagination in love. The first crystallization may be involuntary, or partially involuntary, though it’s still very much your imagination, your mind at work on the beloved, that is making the love happen. The second crystallization—as the love matures—is a much more actively chosen process, a process we might call the “fictionalization” of the beloved, or the choice of seeing and understanding the beloved in a particular way, from a particular perspective. This is not simple, straightforward self-deception—but there is rarely such a thing as simple, straightforward self-deception. That’s one of the things I am trying to argue in my book. We are not “struck” by the truth. We create our own truth—and that sometimes is mistakenly described as a simple lie. It’s much more nuanced than that."

Contemplating Magnanimity

How to do Sandhyavandanam in a way that really resonates with me? Meditating on the divine within? Going extremely slowly and reverently? Understanding the meaning of each mantra, and practicing the intention and feeling without the mantras, then reintroducing the mantras? Today I meditated on the inner divinity, using Steiner's flame image, while chanting the mantra, worshipping that as gayatri, which created the trembling in my spine quicker than normal. But there could be a million confounding factors. I hope Krishna gives me the path forward for jayanti.

fire gives off light
water extinguishes fire
fire burns earth
air fans flames
space holds it all together
there’s something here
especially with the water-fire connection.
why should sacred water extinguish fire?

Noticing a distinction between passive love: i dont want to hurt you, anxious that i made you feel bad, did i upset you?
Balance: self-compassion, self-love

And active love: i want you to be the best you can be, i want to serve you
Balance: presence, awareness, attunement

If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out. Focus on having clarity in the moment.

tao lins college diary, paris review

• it's like he lives this nice focused life of relationships and writing, and it seems decently normal and happy except for the sleep schedule, and then he has a wild outburst against his mom over nothing. what causes this? pent up irritation that needs an outlet?
• and what causes people to 'not know'? a lack of feeling or sensation? not paying attention to it? for me i never admitted i didn't know because i just spoke whatever came to mind. like my feelings and thoughts and speech were merged. of course i was in the wrong view, so my perceptions were often distorted. but i felt i knew.
• what kept him sane was the virtue of being in the flow state of writing, and being good at it.