Monday

Fasting in the morning while trying to go into the swamiji mantra. I think I'm making progress in smoothness and interiority of the mantra.

But I have a constant feeling that's like, no, no, I need to go outward, not deeper inward.

But the rosicrucians AND steiner both use mantra so that doesn't makes sense. I need to re-read the lecture that's giving me pause.

Felt an energizing-ish etheric energy from reading the srimad bhagavatam despite not being interested in the content. It feels a bit like good-vibe breathwork or bioenergetics but there's some friction. The reading feels automatic and effortless though my rational mind is like nothing is going in. It feels like I'm just hanging out with Krishna or making an offering to him. But now I have so much hesitation about this way of being! Part of me wants to walk the Steiner straight and narrow, another part of me always falls into these spontaneous impulses. But the fact that the spontaneous impulses seem to return to the same few core threads gives some hope.

The bhagavatam motivated me to continue the vimarsha course and do a mental sandhya.

I feel more conscious of the effects when I do it mentally. I'm not sure if that matters. I'm definitely relating differently to it now, especially with the vedic chants. I can feel it thick in my belly. I feel like there's a stream that I can access. I pray I'm not grasping / hallucinating this.

The gayatri mantra gave me more hindu related impulses. But I can't tell if my mind is just creating Hindu world for myself by doing Hindu things and then desiring more Hindu things so I'm running around in circles under the guise of spiritual progress and instead I should just be doing what is needed for the world.

But what's needed for the world is very much gaining clairvoyant perception, no!? Where else is wisdom found? Every time I stray from this, I prove to myself again that most people are utterly deluded, grasping blindly, and arguing in the dumbest and least skillful ways. I need some kind of wisdom. Contemporary wisdom and culture is in a dire situation. That was the lesson of yesterday.

My other impulse is to get a normal job that's fun enough and be normal. Like the weed branding guy at voyager. Just do that and don't think about these questions too much. Maybe a podcast a day. A 10 minute meditation. Just think about them a little bit.

But how can I just think about them a little bit? It always seems to me like the most important thing. Is that a depression symptom? "Religious OCD"? Would a few years of a normal life make me forget about it all? Is my lack of enjoyment of normal life the drive for all this? Is my interest real or fake? Should I go to law school and contribute something practically useful to the world or live on the land with gargi and continue this "spiritual research"? I wish God would give me a clear metric on how deluded / on track I am.

When my astral body feels riddled with holes and I can't pray anymore, banging on the keyboard seems to recharge me.

No to the teaching job.
Steiner says being quiet and introspective is a good sign.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPYZil8maTo